Friendship is War
by Dietskittles
Summary: Through a series of flashbacks we see how Applejack, Rarity, and the others turned into twisted parodies of themselves as they relive their lives as soldiers in the war. Some thrive in the conflict while others crack under the weight of guilt and despair. Whether it's medals in war crimes or Post Traumatic Dress, no one will be the same. Based on the parody Friendship is Witchcraft


_Based on the much loved/hated parody series Friendship is Witchcraft_

 **Note:** This story is a parody and is not intended to be taken seriously. That overall tone will be reflected in the writing style and the occasional made up word. Before reading, I recommend watching the first two episodes of Friendship is Witchcraft. My story won't make a whole lot of sense to begin with, but if you don't know what it is based on, it will make even less sense.

 **An Additional Note:** A lot of things, mainly Spike, are going to be made fun of, including warfare. It is not something to joke about lightly and I understand that. It's a touchy subject and I may hit a few nerves. I apologize in advance for any offence I may cause. As already noted, please bear in mind that this is one big joke not worth giving two Spikes about. Seriously, it's probably not even good...or funny.

 **Mandatory Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or have anything to do with Friendship is Witchcraft.**

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A spectrum of ponies, and a purple dragon not worth mentioning, lie on the grass enjoying a delightful picnic under the shining rays of another beautiful day in Ponyville. Out of habit, the group of loosely described friends tolerate each other's company mainly for the purpose of these regular get togethers. Free food has quite the appeal.

Pinkie Pie looks up from her bowl of oats and miscellaneous vegetables.

"Hey, where's Rarity? She said she would bring a giant hat for the potato salad."

Twilight shrugs and replies, "I haven't seen her."

"I've flown all over town and there was no sight of her," Rainbow Dash adds.

Applejack adjusts her giant hat and says, "You don't see _anything_ , Rainbow Dash." She turns to Fluttershy. "Are you having her perform one of your weird rituals for your made up-" She chokes and quickly amends, "perfectly legitimate religion?"

In a delicate demure voice fluttershy responds, "We were supposed to build a new shrine for Lord Smooze, but she never showed up," Her eyes narrow. "There will be consequences."

Applejack scoots a little farther away from the outwardly harmless pony. She thinks for a moment and it comes to her.

"Wait a minute, what day is it?"

"Veteran's Day," the rest answer in unison.

Pinkie Pie hooves herself in the face while the others come to the same conclusion.

"Not it," Twilight starts.

The remaining ponies hurriedly follow suit with Applejack coming in last.

"Gravy," the country pony grumbles, "I'll go get her," under her breath she continues, "if she hasn't already drowned in her own mascara."

Applejack hurries to Rarity's home of melodrama and giant hats. She finds the normally pristine white pony sobbing on the floor, mascara bleeding profusely from her eyes, as she does all day every Veteran's Day.

"Talk about eye candy," she mutters to herself. Louder, she prods, "Rarity, we need one of your giant hats for the picnic so get a move on."

The diamond marked pony continues to wail and sob hysterically.

"Rarity...Rarity!...For hay's sake, at least buy the waterproof kind."

Frustrated, Applejack snatches a rather large hat on display, grips Rarity's tail in her mouth, and proceeds to drag her across town back to the picnic, leaving a damp gray streak in their wake. By the time they reach the outskirts of town, the orange haired pony is fed up with the inconsolable mess.

"You're being ridiculous!" Applejack exclaims as she drops Rarity next to the checkered picnic cloth.

"You have no right to call me ridiculous when you were the worst criminal of them all!" Rarity finally replies.

"What? You're talkin' like I've killed thousands of ponies or somethin'."

"You're joking, right? You have enough blood on your hooves to supply a years worth of Cult Leader Fluttershy's rituals!"

Fluttershy blushes and gently corrects, "Well, no one has _that_ much."

"But it's still a lot," Twilight agrees, "I have it all written down here in my old fanfic from the war," She pulls out a volume of her own fan written work she apparently keeps with her at all times. "I'll start reading-"

Everypony screams, "NO!"

Nausea clearly written on her face, Pinkie Pie reminds her, "The last time you read one of your weirdly erotic stories I threw up. I know my baking is the best in Ponyville, but it definitely isn't the second time around."

Rainbow Dash chuckles and says, "I rainbow that! We dashed it up off the ground and fed it to Spike!"

The innocent baby dragon's mouth falls open.

"What!?"

Twilight raises an eyebrow, asking, "You never thought about what that gunk you ate was?"

"Y-you said Pinkie Pie was trying out a new recipe!"

The group of friends enjoy a good laugh at Spike's expense.

Embarrassed, he looks down and twiddles his claws.

"But...it was good."

His comment goes unheard over the humiliation.

After the much needed comic relief, Rarity wipes the running mascara from her face.

"I'm sorry everypony, after all the horrible things I had to live through in that war I…" her voice trails of, her eyes welling up once more with tears.

Without an ounce of sympathy, Applejack gives her some perspective.

"Rarity, you're not the only one who has been affected by the war. Just look at Bon Bon. She's been watering the same bed of flowers all day every day for ten years! I'm surprised she hasn't turned half of Ponyville into a swamp."

"She probably thinks keeping that patch of daisies alive is going to make up for what she did. Those poor, poor, daisies..." Twilight laments.

"It was all fun and games...until the war," Pinkie Pie says with a heavy sigh.

Fluttershy smiles with an expression of fondness.

"Ah, those were the days, blood and slaughter, and blood."

Rainbow Dash blurts out, "What the dash rainbowed during the war? You guys keep rainbowing on about it like it was the dashiest thing that has ever rainbowed!"

"You were there, Rainbow Dash," Twilight replies flatly.

"What? No I wasn't. The doctors said I was too nearsighted and awesome to join the military."

Rarity shakes her head.

"I think you mean too nearsighted and stupid."

"I'm not stupid, I'm one-dimensional. There's a difference."

Spike can't take it anymore. He yells, "You weren't always like that! None of you were! Twilight, you used to be nice, but now you're a creepy jerk! Applejack, you used to be an honest hardworking pony. Now you're a partially literate watered down farm pony! You're a war criminal and you're countryisms barely make sense! Pinkie pie, you used to throw amazing parties and break the fourth wall and the fundamental laws of nature. Now you're practically normal! Rarity...you're actually not that much different. But you ponies have to have noticed! Fluttershy became a dragon slaying dark lord and half-blind Rainbow Dash can't even remember she was there!"

Twilight ignores her worthless companion and sharply chastises the pastry chef, "Pinkie Pie, what did I tell you about using your illegal magic? You've infected Spike with your incoherent gypsy babblings!"

Pinkie Pie objects, "When do I ever talk to Spike?"

Rarity frantically covers her mouth.

"Dear Smooze! It's spreading through the air!"

Rainbow Dash interrupts, impatiently raising her voice, "Shut the dash up and tell me about the war already!"

Applejack rubs the back of her giant hat.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Rainbow Dash is right. We need to talk about this. It'll help with your uh...recovery, Rarity."

"Don't patronize me. Post Traumatic Dress is a legitimate mental illness."

"Really now? Then how come only deserters and cowards get it?"

Rarity gasps dramatically.

"How dare you call me a deserter! I was injured!"

"Psychological trauma is not an injury!" Applejack fires back.

"Stop!" Spike intercedes, "It's Veteran's Day. We're supposed to take the time and to honor and appreciate those who have fought for Equestria and remember their sacrifices, not fight amongst ourselves like we're back in a war. You're all veterans and what you went through as comrades should bring you ponies closer together than ever before."

They stare blankly at the baby dragon.

Twilight breaks the silence, "Spike, I'll have to call the Magic Police if you keep speaking in gypsy riddles. I can't understand a word you're saying."

"But he kind of has a point," Pinkie Pie says, tentatively agreeing with the purple midget.

The attention turns to the pastry chef. Twilight frowns in disapproval.

"You should know by now that we don't have a gypsy translator."

Rarity tries to reassure Pinkie Pie, "I would have bought one, dear, but with 99.9% of my income going toward Cult Leader Fluttershy's efforts to resurrect Lord Smooze, I simply cannot afford the expense."

Fluttershy nods.

"After the end of days there won't be a need for such trivial things, only his glorious ooze."

With a squinted eye, Applejack awkwardly acknowledges the comment, "Alrighty...so about the war-"

"Finally!" Rainbow Dash excitedly interrupts, "Start at the beginning and don't dash a single rainbow! Well, maybe except the dashy ones, you can dash those."

Applejack glances over to the other ponies.

"Is there a stupid translator?"

Twilight throws one out there, "Google Translate?"

"One that actually works."

"Wikipedia?" Pinkie Pie tries.

"...Nevermind."

Applejack looks back over to Rainbow Dash.

"The beginning, huh? It's going to be a long story…"

"At least Twilight didn't write it," Pinkie Pie says optimistically.

Rarity nods, agreeing, "I hear you there."

The group of friends and Spike inch closer together around the tarp and stare expectantly at Applejack. The cowpony quizzically eyes them back.

"I'm tellin' this for Rainbow Dash. The rest of y'all don't need to be here."

"What about my recovery? Is that not important to you?" Rarity dramatizes.

"No, it isn't," Applejack replies flatly.

Pinkie Pie frowns and mutters, "Some of us just like a good story."

"You can start telling the story, or I can throw your family into the bunny fire, if...if you want to," Fluttershy timidly bargains.

Applejack grins nervously and tugs on a sweaty invisible collar.

"What was I saying? Relax and enjoy story time as told by your good ol' pal Applejack!"

"Alright!" Rainbow Dash excitedly yells toward a tree stump.

"Rainbow Dash, I'm over here," Applejack waves to get her attention, but the gesture goes unseen. "...forget it." She pauses to clear her throat and commences with the story, "It was a dark and stormy night-"

"I'm pretty sure it was the middle of the day," Twilight corrects.

"And it was really bright out," Pinkie Pie adds.

Applejack ignores them and continues, "It was on that fateful night that one letter would forever change the land of Equestria…"

 _ **To be continued...**_

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 **Afterword:** Since the beginning will be about how each of them, aside from Spike, devolve into what they are now in response to the trauma of war, there may be a serious moment or two. Just ignore that and pretend it's still a parody. Also, I have nothing against Spike. There is _a lot_ of Spike bashing in the Parody series so I incorporate it here.

Thank you for reading!

If you have any thoughts or questions feel free to leave some feedback.

Lastly, if you liked this at all (there might be one or two of you) I once again recommend watching Friendship is Witchcraft. You will get a better idea of the characters and the kind of world they live in.


End file.
